Thursday, August 11, 2011

Regrets....Getting real

I don't regret too many things in my life. I like to think the mistakes or choices I have made in my life make me who I am. Sure there are always things sometimes I look at and think "Why in the hell did I do that!" or "What the frig was I thinking?" But in the end I know everything I have done has made me stronger.

I was reading the blog of a friend's fiance, and he was discussing an issue that was very important and hurtful to him. He had family members that had decided due to 'personal conflicts' they weren't going to be attending his and my friends wedding. I'm not going to go into any more detail than that for their privacy. My whole take on this is that this is a time in some one's life that you put aside your issues and conflicts and you be there to celebrate the person that you love. Celebrate their love and happiness. This is a moment that you can't recreate.

Reading about the issues he was having made me think of my own wedding to my ex. There were two situations surrounding my wedding that I wasn't sure how they were going to play out. One scenario I am happy how it worked out. The other, I must say, is probably one of my few regrets.  I had a similar issue with a conflict between a couple of family members. I actually wasn't involved, but my mother and my uncle were. I invited my uncle and his family, not knowing if they would actually show up. But I'm happy to say that they put aside whatever issues they had between them and my uncle and his family came. I was very happy they did. I would have been so sad if a family disagreement kept them away from seeing me get married.

The second scenario, was my fault. And I do regret it. Of course there was some influence going into my head. But when I look back now I realize I just wasn't strong enough. If I was the person then, that I am today, this wouldn't have happened. You learn from your mistakes.

I had a falling out with one of my best friends from high school. It really wasn't her fault. It was more mine. Not being comfortable with who I was. Being unsure of my own thoughts and desires. Not using my own voice. I used some one elses. Some one else who pushed me not to be friends with her anymore. Of course in the end, it was my decision. So I'm not passing blame. Just wishing I thought for myself more, instead of letting others do it for me. Truly I envied her confidence. But the whispers into my brain somehow convinced me I couldn't be at my full potential while feeling like she was overshadowing me. But looking back, if she was overshadowing me it was because I wasn't stepping up and out of the shadows. Not because she was doing anything wrong. But I didn't get that then. This is all part of my regret - not thinking for myself, not using my own brain to figure out why I was feeling that way and then not talking to her about it. I have learned that communication can change so much. It can fix so much. But keeping your insecurities inside will never help anything, except to make you bitter and unhappy.

Because I pushed her away, I isolated myself in a way. And when it came time to send out the wedding invitations she was on my 'maybe' list. Should I send her an invite or shouldn't I. By then it had been about 2 years I think since her and I had really spoken. Deep down, I wanted her there. She was one of my closest friends for about 10 years. Of course I wasn't actually ready to face her and discuss what happened because I still didn't have a clear head about it. I was still being told how much better I was without her. And how much I was growing without her. When in truth, I was growing on my own, and it had nothing to do with her or anyone else specifically. It had to do with life in general.

In the end I didn't invite her. I was influenced in that decision, but again, I take responsibility for it. The weirdest thing was her sister ended up being there. And that, in a way, actually gave me some comfort at the time. But I should have invited her. And I should have made amends. But it's hard to admit when you are wrong. It's hard to own up to it, especially face to face.

I see her from time to time and we have small talk. I do miss our friendship. I have come to accept things I have done wrong in my head and my heart, but to acknowledge it out loud is something totally different. I guess in the end I'm still not as strong as I'd like to be. But I continue to learn and grow. I'm working on those few things I see as regrets. And maybe some day I'll say it all out loud, face to face. And then, I think maybe the regrets might go away. I know it all starts and ends with communication. The good and the bad.

Do you have regrets or do you not believe in them?


  1. Regrets absolutely exist. I have a couple myself. Because I have them I try to live with that knowledge and avoiding future ones. I tried to fix the ones I do have but alas have not been able to do so, I have however fixed others. People grow, people change, light is shed on areas that may have been dark, and we all make mistakes. Try to fix any regrets you have to the best of your ability so at least you can say that you tried. You may have been wrong, they may not accept it. But at least you did what you could.

  2. Oh and p.s. If I have put something up for all the world to see on my blog, Im not so worried about my privacy, feel free to use whatever stories I put out there, and thank you. :)

  3. I don't think anyone out there has never made a mistake. We are human and make mistakes. The main point is to learn and grow from those mistakes. We probably make the most mistakes when we are younger and more unsure of ourselves. That is fine. That is what life is all about. What is wrong is not learning from those mistakes and growing to be a mature and responsible adult. Unfortunately, we can't change others unless they want to change. There are those that don't get what life is all about and some will never get it. It is up to us to not let those people get to us and we do not end up acting like they do. We need to rise above the pettiness and look deeper than the surface that that person is showing. Usually, there is some reason behind what their behavior. If you look deeper, there is usually hurt, pain and despair lurking there. Look even deeper, and you can see there is kindness and caring somewhere deep inside. That's the person you want to try to reach. But some put up such a barricade, it is almost impossible to get past it and unless they want to let their guard down, it is very hard to get any closer. All you can do then, is to wait in the wings. Be the stronger person and be there waiting for them when they wish to let you into their lives. If necessary, forgive them if they are the ones that a mistake, even if they are not willing to admit their mistake or say they are sorry. Holding on to hate and negativity is very harmful and does not make for a very good life. I have been hurt by people many times over the years and have had some pretty traumatic events in my life that could make me a very negative person and not want to get close to others. But I realized at a very young age that hate and anger only serve to make your life miserable. Sometimes it is hard to let it go, but life is so much better without it. While there were times that I probably could have made better choices in my life and I have made mistakes, I have learned from these mistakes and they have made me a better person. If you have something you regret, find a way to change it. If you do whatever you can do fix your mistakes, then you no longer need to carry regret. If the mistake is not fixable because another won't let it be fixed, then at least you know you did whatever you could to fix it and that is all that you can do. As long as you tried to fix your mistakes, you do not need to carry regret around with you. I've done whatever I could to either fix past mistakes or I learned from my mistakes so that I do not repeat them. And since we are human, we will always make mistakes, no matter how old we are. The important thing is to acknowledge you made a mistake and do whatever you can to correct it. I have always tried to live by this. Makes living a lot more pleasant and I know that I can go to meet my maker without having to carry regrets with me.